by Mariellen Gilpin (November 2002 What Canst Thou Say?)
For six years, my mental illness made it necessary for me never to pray—when I prayed I hallucinated big-time. Those were hard, hard years, but the night I decided not to pray, I decided to dedicate to God everything I did in a life without prayer. And those six years were a time of great spiritual growth, so I knew I had made the right decision.
In November of 1993, I was startled awake one night by a sensation I can only describe as being like an adhesive bandage tearing off my abdomen. Afterwards there was a sensation of energy draining out of my abdomen. I didn’t sense the vent as dangerous, but I was very surprised. A week or so later I mentioned it to a friend, who told me that sometimes when negativity was ready to leave, it would leave suddenly like that.
At once I wondered if I was healed of my illness. There was a simple and reliable test—could I pray without having conversations with God? If I didn’t hear God’s voice when I prayed, I’d know I was healed.
I prayed—and hallucinated as usual. I wasn’t healed. After that I was very cautious about administering the prayer-test. I wanted to be as sane as possible. But maybe God was going to heal me.
A few weeks later, it was as if my body turned into a reverse vacuum cleaner, and little packets of energy streamed out the top of my head. I felt God was healing me. The effect continued two days, stopping as mysteriously as it started. That night, as I was settling down to sleep, I was moved to pray again. “Jesus, I know you are with me every step of the way in this life without prayer. Life is rich and full, and I am growing in the Spirit. I know that, and I am grateful. I know I have to express my love for you in action, and I work hard at doing my love for you. But one of the pleasures of my life is telling my husband I love him. Please, let it be possible for me to tell you I love you without hallucinating because of it.”
I hallucinated, as always, but I also knew I had prayed in the Spirit. God gives us Spirit-led prayers sometimes to draw us into a closer walk with our Creator. That prayer was given. I believed I wouldn’t have been given that prayer unless God was promising me I would be able to pray. I just had to work very hard and listen for God’s guidance with all my heart. The next period of my life was the scariest in all my years of mental illness, but within six months God made it possible for me to pray again. Nightly I give thanks for the gift of prayer, doubly given—first, the gift given to all of us, and second, the gift returned to me.
Mariellen Gilpin is a member of the Urbana-Champaign (Illinois) meeting. She celebrates the many ways God has helped her deal with mental illness.
What Canst Thou Say? 